This week’s song is ”Counting Stars” by Augustana. I haven’t been a big fan of them for long, but this week’s song definitely hits the mark. I am in a weird season right now in my life. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment, but one thing is certain – my faith in God will not be shaken. He’s all I’ve got.

Everything has a reason
Everything has a start
Anything that ever burned
Had a spark
Anything I ever wanted
Anyone I ever needed
Always seemed to leave me standing in the dark

Everything happens for a reason. It’s a truth I tell myself daily and those words have been my life motto for as far back as I can remember. The hardest part about realizing the truth that everything happens for a reason is accepting change. Being able to accept that fact that nothing stays the same forever and most things that start never have the chance to fully grow. Anything that has ever hurt me started off strong, it started with a “spark” and then out of no where, without warning the spark was gone.  Here I am two years later standing in the dark of what used to be trying to embrace change and move on with my life.

Suddenly I’m caught in your light
Opened the door, and you stepped inside
And I’m watching the hours
Looking for reasons
Find that I’m missing every beat of your heart
‘Til you’re back in my arms,
I’ll be waiting up, counting the stars
Counting the stars

Almost a year ago I let God into my life. A year later and He’s in my life full force. He never ceases to amaze me at the way He always shows up when I least expect it. When I find myself being pulled into the direction of my past looking for all the reasons of why things came to be, I miss what is important – God’s love for me. Every move I make is in rhythm to His heart and I’m here because He loves me. I don’t need to count the stars and wish for things that may one day be, I need to start embracing the now before I miss more of my life hoping for things that will never be.

Nothing could ever touch us
Nothing gonna shake my faith
Nothing in this big, bad world will ever take you away
Like a rolling hurricane
Nothing’s standing in our way
Full of life, full of grace, in a perfect place

Nothing can touch me, I’m right where God wants me. My faith can’t be shaken when I hold on to that truth.  No amount of heart break or disappointment is ever going to take God away from me. He will never leave or forsake me. Let that truth rest easily in the depths of your heart and resonate in your soul. You’re not alone. Nothing is standing in the way of God’s love for us but ourselves. Full of life, full of grace, we are  where God wants us and He’s perfecting the season we’re in.

Counting the stars
I’ll be waiting ’til you’re back in my arms

Don’t count stars or wish for things that may never happen, embrace the now. I spend a lot of time thinking about “What might be” and it leaves me disappointed. I may not be happy with everything, but I place my hope and faith in God. God will never leave or forsake me and when I find myself trying to run away from what I know in my heart is true, He calls me right back where I belong.

Back in His arms.

“God doesn’t love us if or because; He loves us anyway.”

- People of the Second Chance

That voice loudly screaming you’re not enough, it’s wrong

You matter, you’re more than enough

The world will reject, blame, and point their judgmental finger, ignore them

You matter, they’re not you

Comparisons, imperfections, and self-critique, accept who you are

You matter, there’s only one you

Alive and breathing even when it hurts, there is life still inside you

You matter, your life needs you

Love died on the cross for you, He sacrificed it all

You mattered then, nothing is different now

Live a life that matters, every beating part of you

Jesus died for you,  you matter and you’re loved

You’ve mattered all along

“Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one’s taking.”

– Doug Coupland

Depression doesn’t just go away.

No pill, counselor, or person can help me understand something that I don’t even understand myself. I don’t remember when I first recognized something was wrong but there has always been something in the corner of my mind reminding me that something was “off.”  Depression is a switch. We can wake up one morning and feel fine and as the day progresses something happens and we’re back in our comfort of darkness.

Depression isn’t a sin.

There are deeper underlying causes of depression and most are rooted there from our past. Maybe not being able to completely move on from my past has allowed me to internalize a lot of things which in turn makes me depressed. Honestly, I don’t know and it’s not something I want to sit and dwell on. I am not responsible for what was done to me in my past, but I am responsible for how I deal with them. Sinning is a choice, I never chose to be depressed.

Depression deepens my faith in God.

Most people say that because we are depressed, we don’t trust God.  It makes me trust Him more.  It breaks my heart when people are attacked because they’re depressed. People are so quick to give others advice on how to manage their depression, “Go talk to someone,” “I’ll be praying for you,” “You need to see a Doctor,” all those things stir something in my heart and ultimately breaks it.  While the initial intent is coming from a genuine place, why not just be there for them instead? It is not enough to lend a hand to the fallen to help them up, if you’re not willing to stand with them afterwards.  Where others have chosen to abandon me in my time of need, I cling to God. I focus on His promises for my life and the fact that no matter what I’m going through He will never leave or forsake me. The break in my heart slowly heals and something inside me says, “Julie, I love you, you’re going to be okay.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-9; 16-18

While things may not make sense now, they will later because everything in hindsight is always  put into better perspective.  If you don’t understand what God is doing right now, just wait and trust. Today is a new day, focus on the present, and fly into tomorrow.

“Do not give in too much to feelings. A overly sensitive heart is an unhappy possession on this shaky earth.”

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Feelings are unreliable.

We rely on our feelings and they are unreliable. We do and say things by the motivation of our feelings. There have been a number of times in my life that I reacted by how I felt. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman and 80% of the time I’m an emotional wreck, but it’s no excuse. Our feelings lie and we can’t rely on how we feel.

There are roots to our feelings.

Getting to the root of the problem of why we feel the way we do is important. My issue is that I relied on other people to make me happy and when they failed to do it, I got hurt. I depend on others more than I like to admit and I’ve been hurt more times in my life because of it. The root of the problem with me started in my childhood and how I was raised. Truth is, I wasn’t raised by my parents for most of my life. Being passed off  to relatives and one babysitter after another, my parents never took on their responsibility as parent.  When most of your childhood is spent in neglect, you tend to depend on others to fulfill the need your parents couldn’t.

Our feelings are not the Word of God.

Everyday I wake up I am reminded of how I feel. When I close my eyes before bed I am reminded of how I feel. When I am not even thinking about anything, I am reminded of how I feel. You get the picture.  My feelings tell me how I feel in any given moment, but they don’t tell me anything about God and His Word. We need to follow something more wiser and dependable and that’s the Word of God.  ”No matter how we feel if it doesn’t agree with the Word of God then it’s wrong.”

We confuse our feelings with the will of God. 

Our feelings are our enemy and they keep us out of the perfect will of God.  Satan uses our feelings to manipulate, control, and deceive us. He turns our feelings into false “truths” and even distorts the Word of God into his own context. My prayers for the past 10 months have been very selfish and self-centered. I spend a lot of time telling God to give me what I want but only He knows what’s best and if it’s not His will for my life, then it’s wrong.  ”Some of us are asking God for things that we are not prepared to handle because we are still living too much by our feelings.”

We can feel like doing the wrong thing and still choose to do what’s right.

I’ve done and said some really stupid and horrible things due to how I felt and I paid for them. While I want what’s best for me and my walk with God, I am sitting here hurt by someone right now.  My feelings have taken its toll on my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. When I get into that place where my feelings are controlling every area of my life, I take a step back and reevaluate the problem.  When we are motivated by our feelings we do things that we end up regretting. Doing whats right is praying and getting into the Word of God so we can find peace in our shaky feelings. “Victory is impossible if we dont learn to live beyond our feelings.”

We don’t have to live by how we feel,  we need to set ourselves free. 

Why do you feel the way you do?

 Proverbs 14:12

 ¹² There is a way that appears to be right,  but in the end it leads to death.

 ²⁶ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.

This week’s song is “The Unwinding Cable Car” by Anberlin.  I first heard Anberlin sometime in late 2006 and when their album “Cities” was released, I remember having the album on repeat for hours at a time. Tonight this song resonates with heavily and really for a majority of the week. Earlier in the week I posted Emotionally Unstable & Finding Stability, and this song pretty much sums up those thoughts perfectly.

Emotive unstable you’re like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it’s the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you’ve seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

My emotions have been very unstable this week, unwinding and spiraling out of control. I kept listening to lies the enemy was trying to force feed into my mind making me believe they were true that I chose momentarily to tune out the voice of reason; God’s voice.  I chose to tune out what I know in my heart is true and that’s God’s word. It is our choices that make us who we are and when we are led by our emotions we are choosing to let the enemy win. It was easy for me this week to be so self-absorbed in my problems that I was forgetting to pay attention to what was going on around me. I was neglecting God’s presence and the unbelievable way He has answered every single prayer this week and continuously blesses me when I don’t deserve it.

This is the correlation of salvation and love 
(Don’t drop your arms)
Don’t drop your arms, I’ll guard your heart
With quiet words I’ll lead you in

That is the selfless way God loves and saves us. By God’s salvation we are saved  and He quietly leads us back where we belong, in His grace. God has us right where He wants us and He is guarding every part of who we are; our hearts and our minds. Every part of our life is in His control.

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You’ve been misguided, you’re hiding in shadows for so very long
Don’t you believe that you’ve been deceived that you’re no better than… 
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you’re really thinking of

 

I am not going to lie and say I’m not hurting right now because I am. However, it is through my hurt and in the pain that I find healing in Christ. He is my comfort, He is home. It’s easy for me to try and hide behind my mask of brokenness and blow off my feelings like they’re nothing. That’s foolish and it’s deceptive. All of us are broken and we can only disguise it for so long before it starts to tear us down, layer by broken layer. 

You’re so brilliant, don’t soon forget
You’re so brilliant, grace marked your heart

Whatever you’re going through right now, know you’re not alone. You’re brilliant in the eyes of God because by His grace you are saved and protected. His grace is sufficient and it sustains us through our brokenness and our unstable emotions. It’s easy at times to forget the incomparable way God loves us and works in our life. He always comes through and by His grace, His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. When we are at our lowest, that is when God does His best work in us.

Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I’ll lead you in and out of the dark)

God always rescues us from our darkest times. It was in my lowest point in life that God saved me. He led me into His light and out of darkness. His grace is sufficient to sustain through the darkest times that seem prevalent right now.

With quiet words I’ll lead you in

God quietly led me where I always needed to be, in the heart of grace.

“There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to that inward voice and bravely obey that.”

Dear you,

I don’t know what you’re going through, I’ve never met you

You may not be going through anything, your life is fine

Lucky you.

But behind that smile there is a past you still think about

A past that weighs you down

Inside your fragile heart are broken pieces that are fighting to find their way back together

The broken you that never healed

People will tell you you aren’t good enough and make you feel that way too

You are good enough, they don’t deserve you.

You compare yourself to others, seeing the you you wish you could be

They’re not you, don’t let them intimidate you

You are a walking testimony, the story of you.

Tell it, someone needs you.

You are a gift, immersed in God’s grace

God has you right where He wants you

Go be you.

“Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.”

– Samuel Lover

I love you.

Those three words are tossed around so frequently they have lost their real meaning. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been in love and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had my heart broken. I can also count on both hands and toes how many times I chose to be hateful rather than loving.  A year ago I wasn’t happy. I was a mess emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually God was invisible.  I took my messes out on the wrong people and hurt them.  Almost a year later and God is doing some of His best work in me and He has changed my heart. It is through my restored relationship with Him that I have a better grasp on what it truly means to love someone.

Love others even when it hurts.

People are going to hurt us and we’re going to hurt them too. We are all flawed and while we never intentionally try and hurt any one, it happens. No one wants to be the bad guy, but we all play the victim card well. When someone hurts us, we are quick to post subliminal Facebook statuses thinking the person will get the hint, we tweet passive aggressive messages in 140 characters or less thinking it will get our point across to our wrongful doer. When the people we love hurt us, it has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them. When we choose to hurt other people, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us.  We’re all flawed and we’re all going through something. Unfortunately, we take it out on the wrong people and the person we claim to love becomes our temporary enemy and our target of blame. God is the only person that can give us the ability to love someone the right way and until we possesses that ability, we’re always going to end up hurt.

Love others without expecting anything in return.

There is a difference between loving someone and being taken advantage of and loving someone simply because you want to. Love is natural. It’s a natural quality we all possess somewhere in the depths of who we are. The problem is we go into every relationship whether friendship or other with the expectation that the other person should conform to our standards. We can’t change other people, God is the only person that can change a person’s heart.  Love them anyway and watch God do His work.

Love is selfless, not selfish.

Loving others isn’t about us and should be the most selfless act we practice daily. Selfless love is about loving others regardless of how they treat us. For the past month or so I’ve been hurt over something that only very people know about. I felt the pain and darkness of a year ago trying to overshadow everything that I know to be true about God and His plan for my life. It’s not easy to act lovingly towards someone when they intentionally and abusively tear you down. Especially when it is someone close to you. That’s not the way God designed us to love each other and while I was upset for a while over it, it didn’t change my love towards this person. It made me love them more.

Love is unconditional and doesn’t change.

There are no conditions on love and regardless of what is going on in our life, it shouldn’t change. If a relationship or friendship falls apart or circumstances happen that cause us to question another person’s love toward us, we should still love them. If a relationship or friendship can survive every obstacle that is thrown in its path and be stronger because of it, that’s love. Some of the best friendships and marriages have survived because they actively loved each other through every storm and we should too.

Currently, I am  going through a lot of different things in my life  that are weighing me down emotionally. The person I thought would be there for me, instead turned their back on me and is ignoring me. When we really love someone our hearts shouldn’t change. While my heart is hurting, I still love and care about them.  Love is the very essence of my being, it’s who I am and without it, I’m nothing.  Love is what Jesus did on the cross for us and without Him, we’re nothing.

Love is an action.  Go love.

How are you going to show your love today?

1 John 3:18

 My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality.