Song of the Week

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Bed of Lies” by Matchbox 20. Last week I went through my old standing CD case (yes, I still have them) and popped in this CD and it made me reflective. It made me think about how much I’ve gone through and learned. Inevitably how much I still have left to learn and how tired I am from it all. I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it. And that’s the reality of my life right now.

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I am

Don’t think that I can take another empty moment
Don’t think that I can fake another hollow smile
It’s not enough just to be lonely
Don’t think that I could take another talk about it

I’m struggling right now. I toss and turn in the bed of lies I tell myself daily. “You weren’t good enough for him. That’s why he rejected you.” “You’re will never be pretty enough for him.” “She’s better than you will ever be.” “You will never be successful in life.” “No one is ever going to love you. You’re too damaged.”  These are the ‘bed of lies’ I’ve been sleeping and wallowing in.  I can’t take any more disappointment and rejection. I can’t take another empty moment and smile halfheartedly and pretend everything is okay. I have forgotten what okay feels like. It’s more than loneliness and sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. I should be stronger. I should know deep  in the deepest parts of me that God loves and accepts me for who I am. I know it but it doesn’t change the way I feel most days.  It’s a vicious cycle. One I am trying desperately to stop.

Just like me you got needs
And they’re only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we’ve tendered away

I gave very vulnerable places to a person who in the end didn’t want me. I let them take advantage of and use me. I allowed them to come in and out of my life at their leisure and trash and scatter their promises in and out of my heart. I surrendered my morals and what I knew in my heart to be true and sacrificed myself in the process. Piece by piece the deepest parts of me tendered away to their needs.  

Don’t you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave till it all went away
And we’ve only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters we’ve made

I tried being more than me and I gave everything I had. I am reminded of how much I sacrificed and surrendered to someone else. When I least expect it, the darkness of those moments surface to the fragile corners of my mind. And now through healing, I am learning the only person I need to surrender it all to is Christ.

I am all that I’ll ever be
When you – lay your hands
Over me but don’t go weak on me now
I know that it’s weak
But God help me I need this

Everything I am and will ever be is made right  when I run to to the comfort of God’s arms. When He lays His hands over me I’m safe. In my weakness I am set free.

I will not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I’m marking it down to learning
‘Cause I am


When your heart and mind have reacted the same way to hurt for most of your life, it’s hard coming down from that. Over time I have found comfort in my bed of lies. But I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to toss myself out and turn into the person I know in my heart I can be. There will be days where the struggle will get the best of me. I’ll fallI’ll fail. But the struggle has been worth it. I wouldn’t change it. I’ll mark them down as another learning experience and find strength to move on.

‘Cause I am.

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye.  There is someone who used to be in my life that I want to dedicate this song to.  It’s been four months and I think I’ve been quiet long enough.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

I can sit here and say that those two years were a complete waste of both of our time, but I’d be lying.  So how is it that after four months of being ignored can I sit here and still care at all? Because that was love and it’s an ache that I still remember.  If I could define the moment when I knew I loved you, it was that moment when I saw between the shallow parts of you and saw through you. I saw something in you that you didn’t see yourself; I saw you There were times it was messy and it didn’t make sense to any one involved but to you and me. Now here I am, completely removed from your life, nothing to you. You told me we’d always be friends, that you’d never ‘get rid of me’ and now I might as well be a stranger. It’s rough and it hurts.  And now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know


I won’t lie, I feel pretty screwed over. My emotions are all screwed up and I have those two years to thank for that. In the first year after crap hit the fan I blamed myself. It was my fault. I said and did things I shouldn’t have. I paid for it. Then I realized it was never me or anything I did. You were still hung up on your ex. Somebody that you used to know.


Through our friendship and our time together I’ve come to harsh revelations about who I am. Because of your absence in my life I have restored and strengthened my relationship with God. I’m in a better place spiritually than I have ever been in my entire life. I feel like I can breathe again. The truth is, you never made me as happy as I thought you did. You only made me feel more lonely. Two broken people can’t make each other happy.

 And there lies the problem.

I feel too broken for someone to love me, really love me. You and I got along so well because we complemented each other in the areas where we were broken. Towards the end of our time together I felt God move the most in my life than I have in my entire life. I thought it was only strengthening what you and I had. I was wrong.  God was stretching and growing me because He knew our time was coming to an end and it was better for everyone involved. He wanted me to look back on those two years in hindsight and realize how far I’ve come and what I learned by you being there. He wanted me to look back at the person I used to be, the person I am now, and realize the person from before doesn’t matter.

God wanted me to realize that the somebody I am now, is why you’re the somebody I no longer need.

 

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Wide Awake” by Chris Cornell.  Chris Cornell lead the 90’s band “Soundgarden.” For those of who appreciate 90’s rock music, you should remember the song “Black Hole Sun.” Aside from the fact Chris has an amazing voice, this song really stirred me.

You can a look a hurricane right in the eye.
1200 people dead or left to die.
Follow the leaders, were it an eye for an eye we’d all be blind.
Deaf or murdered, and this I’m sure in this uncertain time.

So come pull the sheet over my eyes
So I can sleep tonight
Despite what I’ve seen today.
I found you guilty of a crime, of sleeping at a time
When you should have been wide awake.

We can reflect on our life in one moment taking everything in and within a blink of an eye, it can be over. We live in uncertain times.  How often do we  close our eyes to the things we don’t want to see or pretend don’t exist? I do .. everyday. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes forever to a life that I’ve been a victim of.  Instead I’m forced to open my eyes to those things, awakened by the life that is happening around me whether I choose to accept it or not. Because as precious as our life is, it’s also unfair, senseless, and tiring.

Down on the road the world is floating by.
The poor and undefended left behind.
While you’re somewhere trading lives for oil,
As if the whole world were blind, hey.

Life is happening whether we pay attention or not.  While we are living life in our expensive cars and worrying over our next vacation spot, there are people suffering in the reality that we choose to avoid and ignore. We are blind and we don’t know how blessed we really are.

Come pull the sheet over my eyes
So I can sleep tonight
Despite what I’ve seen today
I found you guilty of a crime of sleeping at a time
When you should have been wide awake
Wide awake! Wide awake! Wide awake! Wide awake!

It’s easier to walk around oblivious to what is happening around me and the world that exists outside my door. I am guilty of keeping my eyes closed and shutting out the reality that I hate. In those times I remember God and my faith. As cliche’ as it is, I know He has a purpose and plan, and it’s one that I try not to force or understand. I’m not supposed to. While I want to close my eyes and wish it all away, my eyes are opened.

I’m wide awake. 

Are you?

 

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Never Let Me Go” by Florence + The Machine. Why I didn’t post this song sooner I don’t know. I’ve had this song on repeat for the past few months, but sometimes a song speaks to you in a moment, pulling you into the depth of their words, reminding you you’re still alive. It says everything you can’t or want to because sometimes it’s better to sit in the silence of the moment and let the words speak for themselves.

Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under

When I think about my life for the past year, everything around me has changed. My inner circle has pretty much been depleted with new people that God has so graciously placed in my life. I’m growing and I’ve learned a lot. Looking back on how far I’ve come and what I had to go through to get here – Wow, what a ride. So, how can I possibly sit here and feel defeated or discouraged when I should feel incredibly blessed. Because despite how far I’ve come everything still feels the same.  The problem is me and I haven’t really changed.

And it’s peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray no need to speak
Now I am under all

And it’s breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go

Sometimes I feel so deep in the messes that I’ve made that it feels peaceful there. A crippling comfort of fear.  What I feel right now is almost like spiritual suicide. It’s knowing inside my heart that I’m saved, I’m loved, and yet I still feel ‘dead’. Something is missing. So, I keep swimming towards my purpose, further in the deep, only drowning in my own mess and fear.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Though the pressure’s hard to take
It’s the only way I can escape
It seems a heavy choice to make
And now I am under all

The deeper I swim, everything that holds me back is rushed out of me and to the surface. I’m a sinner. I’m resentful. I’m bitter. I’m hurt. I haven’t fully forgiven like I should and the list goes on and on. The deeper I swim in my own sin, the more comfortable I feel. Thankfully, God is there and He’s reminds me daily that no matter how far I’ve strayed, He’s there. As I’m going under the pressure of my sin, He’s there ready to rescue and deliver me.  My only escape and release is in His arms. A choice between the wrath of sin and God’s arms wrapped tightly around me protecting me, isn’t a hard choice – but most of the time, sin wins.

In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
But the arms of the ocean delivered me
Never let me go

The guilt of sin weigh on me heavily but as I feel God’s arms wrapped around me, the sinner in me is released. His arms deliver me from the guilt and shame the remnants of  sin leave in my heart. My flesh fails daily and God is there delivering me every time.

And I pray He never lets me go.

Song of the Week


This week’s song is “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz.  I ran across this song by accident, but it couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. The lyrics to the song speak volumes on their own without me giving any narrative. However, I felt a narrative was appropriate because I’ve been going through a lot of different emotions lately. It wasn’t just the song that resonated with me, it was the story behind the music and words.

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

This song is about a relationship and when I read the lyrics, it makes me reflect about my relationship with God.  Some days I feel so worn and beaten on my journey.  To come as far as I have and reflecting about different times in my life, my heart and soul feel worn. Most people when they reach a point of not knowing the direction they should take make the choice to give up.  Giving up is easier than facing the mess and disappointment that is our life. I can remember many times over the past few years when I wanted to be done with life.  One night sitting in my car I contemplated ending it all so I could be set free. I wanted to give up.  Things were rough in my personal life and I didn’t see any light or sign of hope. Then, I decided a year ago to give my life completely to God, giving Him every single beaten piece, despite of uncertainty. In return He gave me everything I could ever hope for;  He gave me love and there I found Jesus.

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

For 10 years I spent most of my time navigating through life.  That entire period seems like a memory now but those feelings sometimes resurface. Though now they resurface reminding me how far I’ve come and that God is still here, He’s still good, and is always patient with me. There are times when I fall on my walk, but there He is, waiting, because to Him and no one else, I’m worth it.  We’re worth it.  

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

Throughout most of my life I have had many people give up on me and walk away.  Easily I was left without hesitation. Rather than blame myself or wallow in self pity, I choose instead to let God use me.  I made the choice to stay grounded in my faith regardless of  the circumstances in my life.  I will be forever changed by the way this person impacted my life and a part of me will never be the same through their absence, but they left. We can’t force people to be in our life who don’t want to be there,  life has to keep moving forward. My relationship with God is at its peak right now because there is so much going on and all of it has taught me how to better use the gifts God has given me and make the difference in others’ lives the way He continues to work in mine. When I wanted to break, fall apart, and burn at the hand of heartache, I chose instead to stand and embrace the life God continues to bless with me with. I’ve learned what I still have, what I won’t settle for, and inevitably who I am because of it.

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

Giving up is an easy way out, but it’s an out that I choose never to exit. Life is more meaningful to me when I have chosen to stand than fall. It’s been rough, but God is my strength and stronghold forever. Through His love and grace I can’t be shaken. God gave me back my life when I least deserved it,  He gave the world His son.  My rough days fail in comparison to that sacrifice and compassion.

When life gets rough, I look up and remember all that He’s done.

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Day Old Hate” by City and Colour. Dallas Green is probably one of the most talented acoustic artists in our time and probably the most underrated. I first heard City and Colour in 2006 and every song on the album “Sometimes” has resonated with me.  A year ago I was going through a really difficult time emotionally and this song carried me through those moments, even in tears.

Now blank stares and empty threats
Are all I have, they’re all I have.

Our words have the power to build up or tear others down. Last year my words failed me and uncertainty hovered over my life like a big dark cloud. Empty threats out of anger and words spoken in regret were all I had embedded in memory as I tried moving forward with my life. Every night this song blared across the speakers in tandem with my regret, reminding me that I messed up and life as I knew it would be changed forever.

So drown me and if you can
Or we could just have conversation.
And I fall, I fall, I falter
But I’ll find you before I drift away

Every night I had a conversation with God in prayer. I wanted Him to fix what was broken and I wanted Him to free me from my guilt. There were some nights when I cried, screamed, and felt the weight of my regret in the vulnerable places in my heart. I fell, I faltered, and God was there waiting with open arms, saving me from myself.  


Now you still speak of day old hate
Though your whole world has gone up into flames
And isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing
And how safe it is to feel safe.

Everything I knew and loved were gone, a year of my life faded into a memory. There were days I hated the feeling of waking up to face another day knowing that the person I wanted most for comfort chose to leave instead. The life I knew had gone up in flames. Everything changed and things were different. It hurt to breathe and it hurt to think. I felt worthless, like I was nothing. Disregarded. Trashed. And all that remained were ashes of a life that used to be. In my darkest moments when I didn’t know where to turn, I turned to God. It was there that I felt comforted and protected. It was there I felt safe. 

The things we do just to stay alive
The things we do just to keep ourselves alive.

I learned a lot in those three months and being in the same place a year later, my perspective has changed. I can’t change my past, but I can grow and learn from what it taught me. I am not angry, bitter, or hurt over things I can’t control. I made a lot of poor decisions before giving my life to Christ and I paid for them. But what I am going through now is not my fault. We can’t change the cards in life we’re dealt, but we can deal with them without anger and harboring bitterness. For me to be fully alive, I needed to let go.  While there are still areas in my life that need improvement, one thing remains — my faith. 

Faith is the source by which I live, it‘s what keeps me alive.  

 

Song of the Week

 

Sometimes you come across a song that literally takes your breath away, this week’s song does that. This week’s song is “Creature” by Penny and Sparrow. I found this band thanks to a book I am currently reading “Heroes and Monsters” by Josh Riebock. If you haven’t come across this book or know of it, get your hands on it. It’s probably one of the best memoirs I’ve ever read and I’m not even finished with the book. Penny and Sparrow wrote a song for the book and that’s how I stumbled across this week’s song. “Creature” is short and simple but the lyrics speak volumes.

Life alone makes me shake, if I die before I wake

Every drop that I bleed, it’s a gift You give me

Life is uncertain and short.  We take the smallest things for granted, like air in our lungs.  Every breath we take is a gift from God.  Every drop Jesus bled was a gift for our salvation.  

Let me spend my skin on You

Kiss me, whisper, make me new

I’m a creature for Your love (x4)

We long for intimacy and connection, but true intimacy and connection is between us and Christ.  We’re creatures with one purpose; Jesus.  It was finished on the cross and we are new creations in Christ.  Our purpose is love.

 On the day You come home

 Look at You and Your throne

 Every joy I’ve seen is waste when I touch Your gorgeous face

 I’m a creature for Your love (x4)

On the day of our eternal rest, we will understand everything we’ve been through was incomparable to Jesus’ love for us. We will look Him in His eyes and understand that true joy was and is only found in Him. We are creatures for His love.

I’m a new creation learning to love.

 

 

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Counting Stars” by Augustana. I haven’t been a big fan of them for long, but this week’s song definitely hits the mark. I am in a weird season right now in my life. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment, but one thing is certain – my faith in God will not be shaken. He’s all I’ve got.

Everything has a reason
Everything has a start
Anything that ever burned
Had a spark
Anything I ever wanted
Anyone I ever needed
Always seemed to leave me standing in the dark

Everything happens for a reason. It’s a truth I tell myself daily and those words have been my life motto for as far back as I can remember. The hardest part about realizing the truth that everything happens for a reason is accepting change. Being able to accept that fact that nothing stays the same forever and most things that start never have the chance to fully grow. Anything that has ever hurt me started off strong, it started with a “spark” and then out of no where, without warning the spark was gone.  Here I am two years later standing in the dark of what used to be trying to embrace change and move on with my life.

Suddenly I’m caught in your light
Opened the door, and you stepped inside
And I’m watching the hours
Looking for reasons
Find that I’m missing every beat of your heart
‘Til you’re back in my arms,
I’ll be waiting up, counting the stars
Counting the stars

Almost a year ago I let God into my life. A year later and He’s in my life full force. He never ceases to amaze me at the way He always shows up when I least expect it. When I find myself being pulled into the direction of my past looking for all the reasons of why things came to be, I miss what is important – God’s love for me. Every move I make is in rhythm to His heart and I’m here because He loves me. I don’t need to count the stars and wish for things that may one day be, I need to start embracing the now before I miss more of my life hoping for things that will never be.

Nothing could ever touch us
Nothing gonna shake my faith
Nothing in this big, bad world will ever take you away
Like a rolling hurricane
Nothing’s standing in our way
Full of life, full of grace, in a perfect place

Nothing can touch me, I’m right where God wants me. My faith can’t be shaken when I hold on to that truth.  No amount of heart break or disappointment is ever going to take God away from me. He will never leave or forsake me. Let that truth rest easily in the depths of your heart and resonate in your soul. You’re not alone. Nothing is standing in the way of God’s love for us but ourselves. Full of life, full of grace, we are  where God wants us and He’s perfecting the season we’re in.

Counting the stars
I’ll be waiting ’til you’re back in my arms

Don’t count stars or wish for things that may never happen, embrace the now. I spend a lot of time thinking about “What might be” and it leaves me disappointed. I may not be happy with everything, but I place my hope and faith in God. God will never leave or forsake me and when I find myself trying to run away from what I know in my heart is true, He calls me right back where I belong.

Back in His arms.

Song of the Week


This week’s song is “The Unwinding Cable Car” by Anberlin.  I first heard Anberlin sometime in late 2006 and when their album “Cities” was released, I remember having the album on repeat for hours at a time. Tonight this song resonates with heavily and really for a majority of the week. Earlier in the week I posted Emotionally Unstable & Finding Stability, and this song pretty much sums up those thoughts perfectly.

Emotive unstable you’re like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it’s the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you’ve seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

My emotions have been very unstable this week, unwinding and spiraling out of control. I kept listening to lies the enemy was trying to force feed into my mind making me believe they were true that I chose momentarily to tune out the voice of reason; God’s voice.  I chose to tune out what I know in my heart is true and that’s God’s word. It is our choices that make us who we are and when we are led by our emotions we are choosing to let the enemy win. It was easy for me this week to be so self-absorbed in my problems that I was forgetting to pay attention to what was going on around me. I was neglecting God’s presence and the unbelievable way He has answered every single prayer this week and continuously blesses me when I don’t deserve it.

This is the correlation of salvation and love 
(Don’t drop your arms)
Don’t drop your arms, I’ll guard your heart
With quiet words I’ll lead you in

That is the selfless way God loves and saves us. By God’s salvation we are saved  and He quietly leads us back where we belong, in His grace. God has us right where He wants us and He is guarding every part of who we are; our hearts and our minds. Every part of our life is in His control.

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You’ve been misguided, you’re hiding in shadows for so very long
Don’t you believe that you’ve been deceived that you’re no better than… 
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you’re really thinking of

 

I am not going to lie and say I’m not hurting right now because I am. However, it is through my hurt and in the pain that I find healing in Christ. He is my comfort, He is home. It’s easy for me to try and hide behind my mask of brokenness and blow off my feelings like they’re nothing. That’s foolish and it’s deceptive. All of us are broken and we can only disguise it for so long before it starts to tear us down, layer by broken layer. 

You’re so brilliant, don’t soon forget
You’re so brilliant, grace marked your heart

Whatever you’re going through right now, know you’re not alone. You’re brilliant in the eyes of God because by His grace you are saved and protected. His grace is sufficient and it sustains us through our brokenness and our unstable emotions. It’s easy at times to forget the incomparable way God loves us and works in our life. He always comes through and by His grace, His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. When we are at our lowest, that is when God does His best work in us.

Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I’ll lead you in and out of the dark)


God always rescues us from our darkest times. It was in my lowest point in life that God saved me. He led me into His light and out of darkness. His grace is sufficient to sustain through the darkest times that seem prevalent right now.
With quiet words I’ll lead you in


God quietly led me where I always needed to be, in the heart of grace.


Song of the Week


This week’s song is “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles. I first heard “Gravity” in 2008.  When I first heard this song it always made me think about a pseudo relationship or guys in my life who have bailed on me.  Sometimes it was a single thought that opened an old wound and I was right back to that familiar feeling of what used to be.  Four years later this song resonates with me differently,  in a much deeper way.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

When I think about “Gravity” and where I am now in my life, I think about my relationship with God. For years I tried denying how desperately I needed His presence in my life.  Deep in my heart I knew God was the missing piece and it never took long for me to realize it.  For years I ignored the ache, but regardless of where I was in my life, I always came back to the same thought, “God, I need You. I know You hear me, save me.”  No matter how many times I tried to fight it and moved forward with my life, I still felt Him with me, even when I was too far gone.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

You never know how weak you are until you find yourself trying to stand tall against God. He knows our weaknesses even when  try and deny them. For years I denied my weaknesses, I tried being strong when inside I was falling apart. God knew and He knows. He was on to me and my fragile life was covered by His love and grace. No longer do I feel the need to pretend. God accepts my weaknesses and through my reliance on Him, He gives me strength I never knew I had.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

At times my stubborn will has tried fighting against what I know in my heart is right. When I find myself trying to fight against God and His will for my life, He puts me back in my place – in prayer. I pray more than I ever have in my life because I know that when I don’t I’m giving God the impression that I don’t need Him and that my life is okay without Him. God is not my friend or enemy, He is my life. He keeps me down on my knees in constant prayer and He doesn’t let me do anything alone.

You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

When I try standing on my own and doing things my way, God always calls me back to Him, reminding me that without Him,  I am nothing. Without Him, I can’t do anything.  It never takes too long for me to fall at His feet of mercy and ask for His forgiveness and grace.  Then I remember, He does all those things willingly without asking. 

He has my life covered and I’m right where I belong.

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “You Found Me” by The Fray.  This song has been played a lot in the past few weeks. I have forgotten how much I enjoy it, let alone needed the reminder.   Every time I hear this song I have been in a different part of my life but it always speaks to me in the same way.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came

Earlier, I was going through an old blog and came across an entry from 2005. I was in a transitional stage. I was 22 and there was a lot of uncertainty and disappointment in my life. I was trying to find myself and was inevitably falling apart.  I waited for a sign and nothing. I waited for a miracle that never came. Little did I know God was working seven years ago the way He’s working right now.

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin’ on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

As lost as I was it took a lot of silence, growing, and learning to get where I am now. There were times in the last seven years when I found myself asking, “Where are You God?” “Don’t You hear me screaming?” “Why aren’t You answering me?” Though I didn’t know it then, I know that He was always there.

Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been callin’
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never send me no letters
You got some kinda nerve
Taking all I want

God knows what He is doing and while we may not always know, we can find satisfaction knowing that we have a relationship with the One who does. When God was [is] silent He was [is] developing the fruit of patience in me. I have learned to be patient through every trial and that is how I grow the most spiritually.

Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Why’d you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

God is never late and never delays.  He found me just in time.

He was waiting for me.


Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “I Am a Stone” by Demon Hunter. I have been a fan of Demon Hunter since 2005 and every album resonates  with me. I was thankful to be introduced to this album in the middle of the week and this song really touched a chord in me. For the words that I can’t speak .. the words I can’t say … this song says them all.

To say that this week has been hell would be an understatement. Usually I can just let things roll off my back and be okay. I can stand firm on the foundation of my faith and not be shaken. This week though things changed. Things were said and done that I will probably not forget for the rest of my life. Some things in life can’t be forgotten and this … those words won’t be forgotten.

I Fight These Words, I Bite My Tongue
So I Don’t Lie

Though It’s Me to Blame
There is No More Shame in Me
In Me…

I Just Feel the Same
Immune to All This Pain
And the Scars Don’t Write a Song for Me At All…

I Am a Stone, Unaffected
Rain Hell Down Onto Me
Flesh and Bone, Unaffected
Your Fool I Will Not Be

Since Monday I have been under Satan’s attack. It’s been one thing after another. All I could do was stand still as a stone and take it. Satan rained his hell down on me and like I stone I took his attacks. To say I wasn’t affected would be a lie, but I’m used to this. I’m used to being so strong in my faith and then out of no where something happens that steals my light. I’m immune and numb to the pain and there aren’t enough scars that can tell my story.

I blamed myself and I felt like this was my fault and I didn’t trust God enough. All those thoughts from a year ago came raining down on me, feelings of being punished and because of my lack of trust in God’s work, He was punishing me. Satan’s lie.

That Hollow Lie Against My Hope That I Won’t Buy

Then I realized this wasn’t my fault and it has nothing to do with me. This is life. I can choose to stand defeated or I can stand and fight. Because my hope rests in the Lord and I know in my heart He’s with me.  No, Satan, your fool I will not be.  Your hollow lies against my hope in the Lord, I will not buy.

The Waters Rise Above My Eyes
I Will Breathe It In and Go Out With the Tide
And When You Think This is The End
You Will Find Me There Where I Have Always Been

When I felt like this week couldn’t get any worse, it did. I felt like I was drowning and I had no one there to rescue me.  So I sucked it up, I took a breath and I went with it. I took the attacks and when I reached the end, when it was over …  I found God there. I found Him where He’s always been.  Where He’ll always be.

Like a stone by my side.