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Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “My Immortal” by Evanescence. I first heard this song when it was first released and it was one of those songs that never got old regardless of how many times it was played. I remember being at my lowest point in life and hearing it and it spoke to the inner depths of my soul. I was depressed and it became my “life soundtrack.” A close friend of mine even told me every time she heard this song, it reminded her of me. At the time I didn’t know how to take that, but looking back nine years later, she was right.

As I listen to the lyrics, it reminds me of who I used to be too. Nine years later and I am in a completely different stage in my life. Yet, this song still resonates with me. It reminds me of all I’ve been through in the past nine years and what I still have to get through.

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

The presence of my past still lingers and it won’t leave me alone.  There are so many wounds that still need to be healed, so many scars that are still at the surface of my heart. I am reminded of them daily. Regardless of the time that passes, there is just too much that time can’t change, because the past will always be there … lingering.

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Nine years ago, I didn’t have a relationship with God and maybe that was why I was so broken and scarred. A lot was going on in my life during that time and there was a brief period when I wouldn’t come out of my room. I was literally at the bottom and saw no light. However, looking back I know now that God was with me the entire time. When I cried myself to sleep all those nights, He was there. When I was screaming inside for “Help” He extended His hand to me and when I ignored it,  He was still there … lingering … waiting.  Nice years later, He now has all of me.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind

“My Immortal” is about the death of a loved one or losing someone close to you. Nine years ago, I was lost within myself and saw no way out. Nine years later, I am no longer bound by the person I used to be, but bound by a life that matters. While the ghost of my past still lingers, the life I have now is the one I’ve had all along, one that was lingering and waiting.   I am bound by Christ and the life He sacrificed for me.


I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along

Though remnants of my past still remain and will always be with me, I am not alone.  Even when I felt alone nine years ago, I was never alone.

God was with me all along.

 

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Shake It Out” by Florence + The Machine. I first heard this song a couple of months ago and there has always been one line in the song that struck a cord in me. “And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off.” However, the song resonated with me differently this week.

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way

The war between flesh and faith is a constant fight. The enemy’s strength has been on my shoulders for the past two weeks and “I can see no way.”  I have never regretted anything in my life, but this week a lot of resentment and memories from my past collected at the surface. It was a clear to me that as much as I want to let go, there are still parts of my past that I am carrying with me and I’m reliving every darkest moment.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

A lot of what is going on in my heart and mind, I keep to myself.  Satan wants me to falter, he wants me to cave, but I will not falter or cave. While my issues are here reminding me of where I lack, dawn is coming and these feelings are temporary.

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

It’s a fine romance between flesh and faith, and most of the time, the flesh wins. It’s hard being “strong all the time” with the weight of my past on my back, but I wouldn’t change it. I carry those burdens on my back freely, because I know there is a strength inside me to fight against them. Layer by layer, the weight of my past will shake off and I will be set free.

And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

I’m ready to suffer the way Christ suffered so I can live. Oddly enough, I feel safe in my suffering, because I know hope is waiting.  My hope is eternal rest in Heaven.  The dance between flesh and faith will continue dancing, but there is hope because it’s always “darkest before the dawn.”

I’m ready to hope.

 

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Set Fire to the Rain” by Adele. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve played this song on repeat for the past six months. Every single time it resonates with me in a different way and this week it resonated with me in such a powerful way it can’t be conveyed through words. But, I’ll try.

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it

Almost two years ago I let my heart fall hard. It didn’t happen quick but when it happened there was no turning back. What I’ve learned from that experience is that regardless of how many times I allow my heart to fall, only one person in my life will ever claim it as His.

Jesus.

When He died on the cross for our sins, that was the ultimate sacrifice. And when my heart fell merely two years ago it was a part of myself that I was sacrificing to someone and saying, “Here is my heart, take it .. it’s yours forever.” Because when I commit, I commit and there is no turning back.

That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we’re already over
I can’t help myself from looking for you.

The heart that fell is still waiting, because there is a voice inside me saying“Hold On.” And even though there will always be a part of me that will reminisce about what could have been and what may still be, it’s not something that I focus on any more. Because the same heart that fell two years ago is now in God’s hands.

My hands, they’re strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

I’m strong on the outside, but on the inside I am falling apart. Every fallen piece is now at God’s feet ready to be pieced together. I’ve fallen at His feet and say, “Lord, here is my heart, take it, it’s Yours forever.”  Because when Jesus died on the cross for you and me, it was already His.

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better

When I close my eyes, I feel Him with me and nothing in this world  will ever compensate for that feeling of comfort. He’s with me and we’re together for eternity. There is nothing better. 

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where it felt something die
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time

I’m setting fire to my past and moving forward. While a part of me is dying in the process, this is the last time. Every single broken piece of my heart is now in God’s hands and every part of my past is burning in the flames.

Let it burn.

 

Song of the Week

 

This week’s song is “Keep Your Eyes Open” by NEEDTOBREATHE .  I discovered this band about a month ago, starred them in my Spotify playlist and then kind of left them sitting there.  Two nights ago I decided to listen to the entire album and the lyrics to this song really resonated with me.

I’ve been having a difficult time this past month processing the work God is doing inside me.  Being 28 and realizing that despite how much love surrounds me and how greatly I am favored by God Himself, I still feel empty.

There is an ache inside me and I am trying to figure out what it is and why it’s even present.  At times I close my eyes and reminisce about the way things used to be and how I wish things were different presently, but then I remind myself that God is with me and I have to keep my eyes open.

Even when all I want to do is fall apart inside, He won’t let me and my eyes are opened to the road ahead. As uncertain as the road is, I have to keep my eyes open.

So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you
Keep your eyes open, my love

The fire inside me is burning and while my heart aches, it’s on fire.  As cliche’ as it all is, I know God is with me and He won’t let me stumble as long as I keep my eyes opened to His truth and the truth that sits solid in my soul.

My eyes are opened.

 

 

Song of the Week

 

Music is therapeutic.  In the past few months I have been introduced to different genres of music and bands. I have started branching out and discovering that any music that glorifies God, speaks to the soul, or says everything that you wish you could in lyrics that can’t be expressed in words, is therapeutic.

Every Saturday I have decided to highlight the “Song of the Week.” The songs I choose each week are going to range in genre and content.   My music preference and style has always been eclectic.  Meaning you won’t see the same band or genre each week.

These are songs that I have listened to on repeat daily and I feel they should be shared.

My love is music  I will marry melody 

This week’s song is “Where You Go I Go” by Jesus Culture.  I stumbled across them in my Twitter timeline and have been hooked since.  This particular song has resonated a lot with me this week.

God is always good.

When the world around us is broken,  He is always good and He’s always there. We can’t make it in this world without Him.  When the world soon forgets who Jesus is and what He did, we wont.  We can’t.  When He dwells so deeply in us, we won’t be shaken.

Every move that Jesus made was in surrender and we can’t live without Him.

These Times Are Hard


Sometimes words fail me.  

Someone who is so used to speaking her mind and letting it out, just to have a release, most of the time it fails.

Lately, words fail me.

When the words inside me are screaming for an out, I choose to bottle them up instead. The only person that knows what’s going on inside of me is God. While that truth should bring me comfort and that things will inevitably be “okay,” sometimes it’s not as easy to swallow as it should be. I tell others often to let it out. Whatever they are going through, to get it out. Maybe that makes me hypocritical and not really authentic.  I choose to believe that it makes me human.

For the past week, I have failed me.

It’s hard trying to be strong all the time, the one holding it all together. It’s what Jesus would do, right? He did. He knows I’m trying, He knows my heart and that brings me peace.

Yet, I fail miserably.

These times will try hard to define me
And I’ll try to hold my head up high
But I’ve seen despair here from the inside
And it’s got a one track mind

And I have this feeling in my gut now
And I don’t know what it is I’ll find
Does anybody ever feel like
You’re always one step behind

And I know there’s someone out there somewhere
Who has it much worse than I do
But I have a dream inside, a perfect life
I’d give anything just to work
It’s like I’m only trying to dig my way out
Of all these things I can’t

And I am sitting alone here in my bed
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass

Sometimes when words fail, when I fail, a song can say everything I can’t.  The lyrics above are from “Safetysuit” and their new album “These Times.” When I heard the song, I had to stop what I was doing and really take them in. These lyrics speak volumes to how I am feeling right now. I feel like God heard my pleading, the crying voice inside my soul and knew what I needed in that moment.

Life, Satan, and the things going on around me are trying to define me. I try and keep my head up high because I know God is in my corner, but regardless of how high I hold it, something inside me feels discouraged. Regardless of how far ahead I think I am, I always feel one step behind. No matter how far I think I am growing in my relationship with God and how the Spirit moves in my life daily, I still feel like I am not doing “enough.”  Then I remind myself that it’s not about what we do, God wants us to trust Him.  

I’m trying.

I know there are people out there that have it much worse than I do. So, yeah I feel a bit guilty for being in my funk. Sometimes when we least expect it, life attacks and it attacks hard. In the quiet moments in my mind, I remind myself that God is working. I know that regardless of my circumstances He is moving and this is just a temporary lapse in my season of growth.

Through every trial, there is no burden of ours that God will not carry.  That is the truth that resonates the most with me, because I know I am not alone.  We are not alone. In the midst of our despair, God is working and has our best interest at heart.

These times are hard, but they will pass

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 

Get Out of Your Box



Shine Down

 

Broken and weary, nothing left to lose,
Tired and lonely, we find we turn to You,
When darkness closes in and the world around grows dim,
Will we finally rest in You Oh Lord, will our hope grow again,
Oh again.
So shine down, shine down,
On us, oh Lord,
Shine down, shine down,
On us, oh Lord.
And this world is crashing down,
With people lost in themselves,
And they don’t know the lies,
And they don’t know the better life,
When will we see the truth,
And open up our eyes to You.
And as we lift our hands in praise,
We find you’re still the same.
So shine down, shine down,
On us, oh lord,
Shine down, shine down,
On us, oh Lord.
Broken and weary, with nothing left to lose
Tired and lonely,
We find we turn to You.