Sometimes words fail me.
Someone who is so used to speaking her mind and letting it out, just to have a release, most of the time it fails.
Lately, words fail me.
When the words inside me are screaming for an out, I choose to bottle them up instead. The only person that knows what’s going on inside of me is God. While that truth should bring me comfort and that things will inevitably be “okay,” sometimes it’s not as easy to swallow as it should be. I tell others often to let it out. Whatever they are going through, to get it out. Maybe that makes me hypocritical and not really authentic. I choose to believe that it makes me human.
For the past week, I have failed me.
It’s hard trying to be strong all the time, the one holding it all together. It’s what Jesus would do, right? He did. He knows I’m trying, He knows my heart and that brings me peace.
Yet, I fail miserably.
These times will try hard to define me
And I’ll try to hold my head up high
But I’ve seen despair here from the inside
And it’s got a one track mind
And I have this feeling in my gut now
And I don’t know what it is I’ll find
Does anybody ever feel like
You’re always one step behind
And I know there’s someone out there somewhere
Who has it much worse than I do
But I have a dream inside, a perfect life
I’d give anything just to work
It’s like I’m only trying to dig my way out
Of all these things I can’t
And I am sitting alone here in my bed
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
Sometimes when words fail, when I fail, a song can say everything I can’t. The lyrics above are from “Safetysuit” and their new album “These Times.” When I heard the song, I had to stop what I was doing and really take them in. These lyrics speak volumes to how I am feeling right now. I feel like God heard my pleading, the crying voice inside my soul and knew what I needed in that moment.
Life, Satan, and the things going on around me are trying to define me. I try and keep my head up high because I know God is in my corner, but regardless of how high I hold it, something inside me feels discouraged. Regardless of how far ahead I think I am, I always feel one step behind. No matter how far I think I am growing in my relationship with God and how the Spirit moves in my life daily, I still feel like I am not doing ”enough.” Then I remind myself that it’s not about what we do, God wants us to trust Him.
I’m trying.
I know there are people out there that have it much worse than I do. So, yeah I feel a bit guilty for being in my funk. Sometimes when we least expect it, life attacks and it attacks hard. In the quiet moments in my mind, I remind myself that God is working. I know that regardless of my circumstances He is moving and this is just a temporary lapse in my season of growth.
Through every trial, there is no burden of ours that God will not carry. That is the truth that resonates the most with me, because I know I am not alone. We are not alone. In the midst of our despair, God is working and has our best interest at heart.
These times are hard, but they will pass
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.