Dating

Am I Worth It?

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This question has sat with me for the past week. Christians and close friends have rallied around me to offer support and encouragement, but nothing said can erase the burning question in my heart.

Am I worth it?

I was scared to write my last post.  There was fear I would jinx the inevitable by telling the world love had found me. I felt safe, secure and found. No longer searching endlessly.  The pieces fell so beautifully, the hand of God in every minute, second, and month leading to then.  And now here I am questioning what I should already know in my heart regardless of my circumstances.

Am I worth it?

Everything changed, everything I thought mattered became nothing in a matter of minutes. What makes this time more difficult but bearable is it was through obedience the pieces fell together naturally. The work of the Holy Spirit couldn’t be denied. I can’t even put in words now the connection, the intimacy, and the powerful hand of God in those two years and then back again for those four months. Most people search their entire life for this kind of connection, rare, but powerful. I didn’t know what real love looked like until I saw God’s hand in everything.  Then the inevitable happened, everything fell apart.

I never thought I would be 30 and single, another holiday alone. There are so many questions with no answers because the point of blame is never on the other person, but on me.  Everything I touch with the hand and  heart full of love falls apart. There’s a part of me who feels I will never have committed relationships because I’m not capable of loving someone when I can’t even look in the mirror most days and love myself.  There are some days when I hate myself for trying too hard, carrying more burdens than my fragile frame and heart are capable,  and sometimes I just simply hate myself for taking the risk at all.

Am I worth it?

As I type this question, the answer is always “No.”  No matter what I’ve done, regardless of my obedience and faithfulness, love is still hard.  There is no formula to love, it just is and when you struggle like me with finding their worth and knowing it, loving others is difficult.  I’ve told myself and others we aren’t defined by our relationships and our worth is found in no man, but any one who understands love and wants to be loved in return knows we want the other person to love us and find us worthy of their affection and attention, more importantly their heart.

Well, the pieces have already scattered and I’m left with the truth; I wasn’t worth it.

I will never need a man to save or protect me  but I want a man who sees me for who I really am and doesn’t run from what they’re faced with. Rather than run, they run towards it not scared of the commitment and sacrifice.  This is the battle I face, this is the question which plagues my very essence and being.

Am I worth it?

The only answer I have is I don’t know because at this point in life I’ve gotten it wrong. When it’s me and love, my wires are crossed. Some people land on their feet after being heart broken, I have, but this time is different.  There’s a part of me who doesn’t want to try ever again and then there’s another part who says to get up and move forward.  Sometimes I think my only purpose here is to share the love of God with others and  when I’ve done what He gives me the power and strength to do, He will take me from here and let me rest where real love is found.  Real love isn’t found here because when two imperfect people are brought together, their differences will either compliment each other or they will give up on each other.  It’s always been the latter with me.

Am I worth it?

Right now I don’t know how to answer this.  A pastor said Sunday when we question our worth, Jesus is looking down at us from the cross saying, “You were worth it to me”, but this doesn’t fix the scar over my heart right now or cures the longing.  Every person deserves to be loved unconditionally and found worthy in the eyes of someone who understands their worth first. This is why two people are brought together, where one fails to see the truth of who they are, the other person sees it for them and loves them despite their best efforts. They work together and lead each other to the cross, where real love began.

This kind of love is worth it to me.

Do you understand?

#heartcheck

photo credit: plaskotacc

Love Will Find You

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“When you least expect it, love will find you.”

I can’t think of a single moment in my singleness where I didn’t hear this line repeated to me over the years. Thing is, I didn’t know how true this is and how I’ve had the wrong perspective of love for most of my life. It’s funny what reflection and hindsight will do for you when you stop searching for love and let it find you.

If you’ve followed my writing over the last two years, you know I’ve had my heart broken and have been rejected. It seemed to be the only theme of my blog since I started writing. It’s amazing how much is expressed when we hurt but when God redeems those hurting parts, we grow silent.

I’ve been silent for months.

It’s been almost a year since one act of obedience changed my life forever. There was confusion and hesitation, but I knew God wanted me to obey. I didn’t know the reason or understand, but as I sit here almost a year later, He knew all along what my heart needed better than I did.

I don’t know what love looks or feels like because love is more than something we see or feel; It’s knowing and trusting. The love we don’t think we need or even know is there, is eternal. It’s the kind of love which walks in the light of faith, not feelings. 

I spent the past few years searching endlessly for love in all the wrong places — in chat rooms, porn, and whatever else I could fill emotional voids.  With the weight of the hurt I carried, my heart hardened to the idea of ever loving again.  But love always reconciles our hearts to truth. 

The love we don’t think we’ll ever find will point our lives back to Jesus.  And that’s where love found me.

 Broken heart, stop searching. When you least want it or expect it, love will find you. Love is never early or late, it’s always on time. 

Song of Songs 8:4

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

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“If you were here, I would have married you by now.”

He loves me.

“You know we’ll never be together, right?”

He loves me not.

“You mean the world to me. I can’t picture my life without you in it. If you weren’t in my life, there’d be something missing.”

He loves me.

This inconsistency, the hot and cold, summed up my life for almost three years. Reassurance turned to rejection and the broken cycle continued until it was decided to walk away for good. The connection was strong but never consistent. Highs were no sooner met with lows and the level of connection soon wavered to merely nothing. I tried effortlessly to make things work and figured the longer I held onto hope, something would establish into more. It didn’t because it was never going to.

Left heartbroken, broken, and searching, I came undone. 

In my heart I felt God would work in this man’s heart to love and want me. I figured if we gave each other space to grow and heal, we’d find our way back together but it was the inconsistency in our friendship, the back and forth, that finally led me to God.

All the times I was rejected, broken, and wanting, God met with me with open arms. When every memory surfaced, God found me and brought me to surrender. He never gave up on me when I wanted to give up on myself. When I felt unloved and unwanted, He pursued me relentlessly and reminded me His love endures forever. It was in my season of brokenness, God met me with Himself.

There have been so many moments in my life when I felt unloved and rejected. Guys from my past promised to love me, cherish me, and never hurt me. I held on to those promises like they were life support. I put more faith in feeling loved and wanted than in God. It was for this reason my relationships never worked. The longing in my heart for security was met with only more rejection and inconsistency.

The damage done from those three years of my life have remained but every time my mind wanders to that time of my life, God always reminds me the heartache was worth it.

God is the only consistent thing in our life.

We don’t have to wake up every day asking ourselves if God loves us, because He does without fail. No matter where we are in our life, what we’ve done or gone through, His love is consistent, it remains, it stays.

While others’ love for us is lukewarm, God’s love for us burns for eternity. 

Read the rest of the post here.
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What Does a Real Christian Man or Woman Look Like?

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What does a real Christian man look like?

What does a real Christian woman look like?

These are two questions which find themselves in my Facebook Newsfeed, Twitter timeline, and in blog posts in the Christian community. Honestly, I ask myself how or why we have gotten to the point where we allow others to define our worth as men and women. While I respect others’ opinion, they’re opinion. 

When I surrendered my life to God, I didn’t know how my life would change. I wasn’t expecting anything significant to happen, especially in the area of relationships. I figured after enough heart break, guarding my heart, and distancing myself from men would be best for me. I placed my faith and trust in men to fix me, save meneed me, and when they failed to meet my standards, I built walls around my heart to prevent further heart break. I got close to a non-christian guy for two years and reaped the consequences of investing my time, heart, and energy into another person who would never meet half way. I got close to a Christian man who at the time I thought was my ‘one’. Pride, ignorance, and fear separated us for months and afterward I wondered what was the point of finding a Christian man, because all men at that point, regardless of their religion, were all the same.

When we try to define a man or woman’s spirituality, we don’t see them for who they really are. We see them from our selfish wants, needs, desire, and when our needs aren’t met, we judge them. For me, I just pushed them away.

A year ago, I was a pretty shallow person. I’d find something about someone I didn’t like and tried convincing myself a relationship with them would never work. I didn’t have a list, but I had standards. Standards I had purposely set out of fear of being rejected and hurt.  In my season of waiting, God showed me everything about me and my heart I needed to change. He wanted me trust Him and it was in learning to trust Him completely He helped me see people from a different pair of lens that a year ago I would have deemed impossible.

God taught me how to see people from a shared lens instead of shallow. He wanted me to see men in the same light I saw myself — flawed, imperfect, but loved. He wanted me to love and accept others unconditionally the way He loved and accepted me. He wanted me to reconcile my differences and surrender my fear of rejection at His feet. 

This was hard, I won’t lie. I resisted. I struggled. But it was this one act of obedience that changed the way I view relationships forever. I believe with my whole heart I would have never gotten to this point had I not learned the power of forgiveness and grace. When we live a grace-filled life we see people as human, not projects. I didn’t need to try and mold someone to my level. I simply needed to let them be and let God do His job.

When we leave God’s redemptive work to Him, the pressure is off. We’re free to enjoy each other as we are. God has the power to work in the heart of men and women when their hearts are wholly committed to Him. 

Things I didn’t like before, I’ve since learned to appreciate, value, and love about others. God continues to work in my heart and in the hearts of those close to me and it’s beautiful. When I gave up my right to control and fix, I’ve found joy in being in the presence of others as they are.

When we ask what a real Christian woman or man looks like, we’re asking the wrong question. I don’t know what a real Christian man or woman looks like because I know I’ll always fall short and so will the men in my life. And you know what? It’s okay. 

I’ve been with men who weren’t Christian and paid for it. I’ve put my entire trust and faith in a Christian man and I paid for it. It was in surrendering everything to God and leaving the relationship part of my life in His hands I’ve experienced more peace and joy in this area. I don’t have to pretend or conform and neither should any man in my life. No one should.

Companionship can be found through human frailty. It’s through the weaknesses of others, I’ve learned my strengths and it’s in others’ strengths, I’ve learned my greatest weaknesses. 

When I look back on my life and the level of connection I had with someone, I don’t want to look back with regret. I don’t want to look back on my life and see all the times I walked and pushed others away out of fear of rejection or because they didn’t meet my standards.

I want to look back on my life and know I showed others grace and gave them a chance.

Shouldn’t you?

#heartcheck

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An Unguarded Heart

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You never know how much faith you’ve  placed in another person until they’re no longer a part of your life. I didn’t know how much weight I allowed another person to carry in my life until they decided to remove themselves from it.

After they left me I wanted to be braver, my own Saviorso I guarded my heart.

I thought the more of my heart I guarded, I wouldn’t risk hurting again. Love wasn’t worth the risk. Every door of opportunity that opened in those two years, closed without warning.

I blamed the other person.

I blamed myself.

I blamed God. 

It was easy to point the finger than face truth. If I was going to experience love, real love,I needed to turn back to my first love; The Lord.

I can’t explain the moment when I knew but when it happened, I knew God was the only one who could heal me. If I was going to ever heal from my past, He was going to have to be priority. From December-February, I knew the direction of my life was about to make a drastic change. I felt the shift in my heart. I felt it in the depth of my prayers. I knew God was going to hear my plea, but He wanted something from me I was unwilling to trade.

God wanted my heart completely. The part of my heart I kept guarded all those years, the part of my heart I was unwilling to risk, He wanted it.

For so many years, I held on to too much. I surrendered certain parts to God and no sooner I’d surrender, I’d take it back. It’s hard surrendering it all to God and hoping He’ll take what you give Him, every guarded part, and trust He’ll use and redeem it.

The more I read in Scripture to “Guard your heart”, I felt the conviction in my spirit so I guarded my heart more. I figured it was what God wanted of me. But my heart became too guarded and protected. Walls slowly built and stayed up for months. I couldn’t stand the feeling of rejection, shame, guilt, and heart break that surfaced during those few months. I mourned the loss of my past and every memory more than I ever thought was possible in such a small amount of time in my life. But what I was really mourning was myself. 

Guarding my heart closed me off more than I wanted. There was a resistance to get close to any one of the opposite sex without fear of rejection and abandonment. I kept others at a distance because I felt the closer someone got, they’d only end up hurting me. I couldn’t bear the hurt any more. It wasn’t worth it. 

Towards the end of February something in my life changed. I wish I could describe the moment when my life took a completely different turn, but words fail me. Something in my spirit changed. The walls around my heart have since been torn down completely. There are no walls keeping me from experiencing the abundant life God’s calling me to.

A simple act of obedience through the power of the Holy Spirit has unguarded my heart. Unguarding my heart was the best thing I could have ever allowed God to do in my life. It was surrendering my entire heart into the hands of the Lord,  I’ve experienced more joy in my life. 

Love is worth the risk when our hearts are completely surrendered to the Lord. It’s been such a long journey to this moment, but I’m grateful God never stopped pursuing me and drawing me closer to Himself. It’s in drawing closer to Him, He teaches me the meaning of love. I don’t have to guard my heart to love again. It was by releasing every guarded part of my heart to Him, He’s completely redeemed me from my past.

We don’t have to guard our hearts and try to protect what was never ours to protect.  We don’t have to guard our hearts to truly love again. We need to surrender every part of our hearts to the Lord, and leave it in His hands to redeem, restore, and heal.

We can’t fully experience God’s love with a guarded heart. It’s only with an unguarded and surrendered heart when we learn to love again.

Is guarding your heart keeping you from experiencing an abundant life?

What parts of your heart do you still need to surrender to God?

#heartcheck

photo credit: Darwin Bellcc

Shifting Sands

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Most of my life I’ve searched endlessly and effortlessly for stability and security. Everything in my life since childhood has been unstable. Growing up without parental support made me seek it in others or things I felt would bring me the security I desired. I can remember every relationship and friendship I’ve had in my life and realize how the longing for stability forced me to make irresponsible choices that only left me empty and heart broken.

There is still a longing in my heart for stability but not as strong. Something in me changed about a year ago. I was forced to let go of toxic things and people in my life so I could finally let God do His redemptive work in me.

Most of us spend our entire life searching for anything to fill the void in our life and we never give ourselves time to heal. Sometimes it’s someone coming into our life who completely eradicates every barrier we’ve built around our hearts completely. And before we know it the life we built with this person comes to a sudden end and we wonder how much time we invested only to be left.

The foundation already unstable we continue searching for something to replace the person or thing who left. We reconstruct and build our hearts and life on instability and it only deepens the wound and hurt. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was naively building my heart on shifting sands.

God not only wants to be a part of everything we build, He wants to build it for us. He wants to be first in our hearts and anything we try building and doing on our own strength will only lay in ruin. 

Read the rest of the post here.
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God Isn’t Writing Your Love Story

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Now that I know there isn’t a future with you, I guess I can move on.”

How can there be Julie? We’re miles apart.

It’s taken a year to muster the courage to write this. I’ve touched on the heart break here and there through numerous posts but never found words to express the disappointment and embarrassment I felt that day. There was a deep sense of longing in those two years, a longing we’d end up being together. It seemed right. We went back and forth in our friendship and we always found our way back. I found him in his place of loneliness and he found me in my place of longing.. Until two years later of hot and cold, he said those fateful words I knew all along.

We were never going to be together.

I went through the motions and shrugged the hurt off. I didn’t shed one tear until three months after our friendship ended. Our friendship didn’t end on a bitter note, it ended on a broken one. He was too broken to accept love and I was too naive to see the bigger picture. Though deep down I knew truth, my heart tried telling me otherwise. It was an uphill battle and I came undone.

I wanted a new beginning, a new life, and I was ready for a relationship. 

In January, I decided to try online dating. I wanted to be in loveI wanted  someone to want me. After the hurt and rejection subsided, I saw some glimpse of hope in my relationship status. I felt in my heart God would lead me to the right man. I wanted God to write my love story, I wanted Him to rewrite what had clearly been broken.

Instead, He told me to delete every dating profile created and wait.

I can’t explain the moment, but it was a small still voice in my quiet time that spoke to me. He found me in silence and told me to trust Him in this area of my life. He told me to delete every profile and wait. At the time I didn’t understand, but it was in my obedience the reason became clear.

God was calling me back to Himself. He wanted to be my love story.

When women told me in this time of waiting Be patient Julie. God is writing your love story. Don’t lose hope!” I felt more pain than reassurance. I know they meant well but it never reassured me to the point of belief. Honestly, I felt God had robbed me of true love. Though I know now He wasn’t, those words never provided me with any hope.

I didn’t know what my love story looked like at this point. When one door of hope opened, another closed. 

One morning while driving to work, I prayed and begged. I asked God for a sign of hope. I needed a sense of direction and needed His wisdom to guide me. I told Him I was ready for a relationship and to bring a man in my life who would love and accept me completely. I asked Him why He allowed all this to happen to me. I told Him I didn’t deserve it, that I deserved to be loved. And you know what He said?

“Julie, do you trust Me? I’ve been here all along. I am your love story.

I love you completely and unconditionally and I would never keep a good thing from you.

This good thing is Me.”

His words broke me because the love, hope, and reassurance I needed was in Him all along. 

While there have been moments of loneliness and hurt in my heart, He’s there every single time lifting me up and carrying me through my singleness. He reminds me every single day I’m not alone. Right now my eyes fill with tears because I know through every moment of loneliness and sadness, He carried me.

It was never about writing my love story or finding the ‘perfect’ man, it was always about Him. 

The more I’ve spent in His Word and in prayer, He’s speaks so clearly and pierces every lonely and broken place I’ve guarded. He invites me deeper into Himself, His Word, and His life. I accept His invitation with a bleeding heart and open hands.

Jesus is my love story, cover to cover.

I can’t express enough what this last year taught me, what He’s shown meThe longing in my heart for a relationship has since been replaced with my desire to delight in Jesus fully. Nothing else compares to His love and attention. Nothing else will fulfill the longing in my heart the only way He can. He took two years of my life and renewed me. 

God isn’t writing our love story because He already did; Jesus was our love story. 

1 John 4:19

19 We love each other[a] because he loved us first.

And this is the best love story we could never write ourselves.

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When Falling in Love is Easy

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I’ve settled a lot in my life. I settled for what was comfortable and seemed ‘right’. I settled for the abusive relationship and the pseudo relationship where all the perks of the relationship were there, but the commitment wasn’t. I’ve had my heart broken more times than I care to look back and reflect on. And I realize looking back what was missing from each relationship; God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit.

We can’t force others to love us unconditionally and forever. If either of our relationships aren’t right with the Lord, it affects everything. We haven’t become whole persons and we aren’t complete in ourselves.

We can be happy. We can be whole persons. We don’t need men in our life to define our worth. Yes, we need prayer and we need each other. But we can’t let others create our happiness for us. We need the love of Christ to renew our hearts, create a new Spirit in us, and reveal to us the presence of the Lord is enough. 

Read the rest of the post here.

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Requited Love

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Excited to announce I will be a monthly contributor to Whole Magazine. This online magazine features women who are transparent and vulnerable in telling their stories.  Stoked to be a part of such a beautiful community of women who aren’t afraid to share their healing of brokenness with the world.

My first post “Requited Love” went live last night.

February is slated as a “month of love,” It’s a month where couples express their love towards each other while us singles wonder, “Where is our one?” I’m in the middle of navigating through singleness and trying solely to focus on God and lean on Him when I’m lonely. Sometimes it’s easy, most of the time it’s not. When you’ve gone through more rejection in your life than you can bear to count and we’ve uttered “I love you” than you care to remember, singleness is hard. We all want to be loved, treasured, and valued. When someone comes into our life and says those words, a part of us wants to believe it. Until this person is no longer in our life and we wonder if we’ll ever experience it again.

Rejection is painful. Unrequited love is devastating.

You can read the rest of the post here.

 
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Do Women Really Want to Be Pursued?

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My heart screams “YES!” Of course I want a man to pursue me with a love so deep and reverent he will love me unconditionally. But, let’s be honest, how often do we really wait for this kind of man to come into our life?

We don’t. We chase them.

Pause for a few minutes and think back on every person you’ve ever been involved with. Now, ask yourself how many of them actually pursued you? When I think about my own life, I can honestly say, ZERO. I didn’t understand how important a man’s pursuit of a woman played into a potential relationship until I noticed how many of them I chased. And let me tell you, coming to this realization hurt me.

I wasn’t worth the pursuit, but they were worth chasing. 

This is definitely a hurtful realization but it’s also something I wrestle with often. Last year I felt there was too much pressure on the man to pursue a woman and both should put forth the effort. Sometimes I still think this. Until someone came into my life and completely wrecked my life and view on relationships. This was a man I was going into ministry with. This was a man who had a heart and love for the Lord and I saw it. We both experienced the Holy Spirit in incredible ways, both separately and individually.

So, what happened? A few things. Pride on their part and my inability to move forward from my past. Basically, we gave up on each other. 

There was more to it but there’s no point in reliving it. It’s done. It’s over. Though the remnants of memory are still there, I do often wonder if I will find someone who will really pursue me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really worth the pursuit. Any one can say, “Of course you’re worth it! Be patient.” But, I honestly can’t say with confidence I believe this.

I see too many men back out because of pride and fear and I’ve seen my own self back out because of doubt and insecurity.

Sometimes the pursuit means more than attraction, it’s a risk. The risk of completely letting go and being vulnerable with each other. It’s knowing despite what it said or done, the work God is doing between us is worth pursuing.

It’s knowing despite insecurity, doubt, fear, and pride, we’re moving in unity to something bigger than our own understanding; a covenant.  

Honestly, I don’t know if I will find this. Maybe it’s my insecurity and doubt speaking. And you know what? I’m okay with it. I’ve come a long way to turn back now but I’m also being made new everyday. It’s a process and sometimes the process is hard.

I know God pursues us every moment of our life and this is enough truth to sustain me in my waiting. It’s painful. It’s frustrating, but I know God’s hand is in every detail of my life. 

If you’re waiting like me and want a man to pursue you, hang in there. He’s not finished with us yet. I know there are times when we want to just throw up our hands and give up because we’re tired of the same tired lines and heart break. Believe me, the thought of becoming a nun and going into solitary has crossed my mind several times. But this is not what God wants for us. He wants us to seek Him and trust Him.

We’ll be too busy trusting and seeking Him to care whether we’re being pursued or not. Our hearts will be where they belong.

Completely centered on Christ and Him alone.

Matthew 6:33

33 Seek the Kingdom of God[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

If you’re single, are you struggling with waiting?

If married, how hard was it for you?

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Defending Singleness

I always told myself I’d never Tweet, Facebook, or blog when I’m angry or upset. While I’m probably writing this post a little peeved, I need to blow off steam. It’s no surprise to anyone I’m single. Not to mention a virgin. I feel because of these two factors there is some invisible target on my back and I should be defending my single status forever.

Yesterday morning the conversation went something like this:

Them: You write a lot about singleness. I noticed that.

Me: Is that a problem?

Them: No, it’s just why are you single? Is it because of your looks, personality, or insecurity?

…….

While I respect this person asking why and was probably genuinely concerned of and about my relationship status, to imply that I’m still single due to how I look, how I act, and insecurity hit a nerve. I spent the whole day milling this one out and tried to understand why this conversation upset me.

To be honest, I don’t know why I’m single. I could give a list of reasons but they’d be lies I’ve made up in my head to justify a means to a dead end. Because there is no real reason I’m single.

I just am.

I have kept my personal life semi private.  The parts I’m willing to share are out in the open. The why of my singleness isn’t one of them because I just am. Why do I feel the need to defend it? From the outside people will assume what they want about any one, but no one knows why any one is the way they are regardless of their relationship status.

It’s wrong to assume anything about any one’s life.

The last guy I talked to I really saw God’s hand in it.  And I’m not going to be redundant about it because it’s been written too many times. Truth is, the moment things got hard or work needed to be invested into our relationship, he bailed.

He decided I wasn’t worth the investment or effort.

That’s not a statement out of bitterness, it’s a statement of fact. And I’m okay. When the enemy forces me to feed into his lie that I’m not good enough or it was my fault things failed, I remind myself that everyone is given a choice to love and accept us – all and every part of us  He chose to walk.

Being single has taught me a lot , I’m still learning. Yeah, it gets lonely sometimes and without getting all biblical up in here, I pay attention to what triggers my loneliness and I refocus. My relationship status doesn’t define me or my life.

So, if I need to defend my singleness, I will. Because God is protecting me. He has always protected me. Only God knows what is best for me because when I jumped and did things my way, it failed or when I thought His hand was in it, it was but the end result wasn’t ‘happily ever after’. It was a learning experience. And I will defend what I learn until God decides it’s time to share those experiences with another living soul.

I won’t rush love.

Song of Songs 2:7

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

If you’re single, do you ever defend your relationship status?

What’s the worst thing someone has assumed about you and why you’re single?

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You Don’t Need a Boyfriend To Make You Happy

If any one would have told me at 17, I’d still be single at 29 I would have laughed. Because at 17 I had my life  mapped out. I knew when I wanted to get engaged, marry, have children, and ultimately live my ‘happily ever after’.

God had other plans.

I don’t want to guard my heart. I want my heart to be exposed and open.

I want to know what it means to experience happiness and joy with another person with God at the center. I want to know what it means to intimately submit my life to someone else and know that God designed me to do life with that man. Yet, the feeling I will end up alone looms as I face the reality of who I am and who I’m not.

I wonder if God is punishing me.

Yesterday I had the honor of guest posting for Renee.  You can read the rest of my story here.