I hear her loudly in the quiet places in my mind. I haven’t heard her this loudly in a while. Everything is heightened when you’re already at a loss, hurt, and reeling. I can’t explain this hurt, it’s not one where tears are necessary, but it’s palpable.
I heard her last night when my mind was already spinning, but curious. I already knew but seeing it displayed so clearly wrecked me all over again. I heard her tell me, “You were never half the caliber she is.” Lately, her lies have been my mantra.
She’s clever and cunning, I hear her and I come undone. I think how I could be so naive and desperate. She’s believable because I invite her into places that are meant to be sacred and holy.
At heart, the enemy is a liar. It’s manipulative and ready to wreak havoc on our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. People tell us not to give it such a foothold in our life, in our hearts, and more importantly, our minds. But the enemy isn’t someone we can see or feel, sometimes the enemy is ourselves.
I don’t have words of wisdom here but I can tell you what I’m learning. There have been a lot of times lately where I’ve wanted to give up. To keep going through the hurt and reliving it wasn’t worth another step.
God is often shadowed in this moments.
Though I struggle everyday with insecurity, rejection, heartbreak, temptation, shame, unforgiveness, and sin, I know God is more powerful than these. He’s more powerful than the enemy inside me.
Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.