This is not being written out of bitterness or hurt. This is not being written from a place of hopelessness. This is being written from an inner knowing.  Sometimes we reach a point in our life when we question God’s direction in the area of relationships and there has been no clear direction in this area for a while. I thought I would be married by now, I thought a lot of things. The reality though is I’m not married and don’t see it happening in my foreseeable future.

Married people will tell singles to patiently wait. Single people tell other singles to focus on God and our relationship with Him. Divorced people will tell you marriage isn’t worth the commitment or baggage.  God says nothing, He’s silent.

I’m at a point in my life where I would love to settle down and marry, but I don’t see it happening. I stopped seeing it for a while. I haven’t lost hope I’ll find it but I need to be realistic and sometimes being realistic means facing the truth there is no one out there for me. If I could paint any of you a picture of what the last six years of my life have been like in the area of relationships, it’s been hell. My last relationship was different and after it was over I questioned whether I would find someone to settle into a life with.  Honestly, I don’t think I will.  My luck lately has been laughable.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment between us and another person. Marriage is not a piece of paper, it’s a covenant. The kind of commitment I’m looking for isn’t staring someone in the eyes and saying, “I do.” It’s looking someone in their eyes and seeing Christ.

Despite what this culture will try and tell us, marriage is serious.  Marriage is flesh and bone, soul to soul —- one. It’s this unity our culture tries to tear apart by its influence. We have fallen away from what God wants for us and each other, for His Church, by a culture diseased with selfishness and sin.

Marriage is beautiful when two people are brought together by the Lord, I’ve experienced it and it didn’t last. It’s for this reason I don’t believe marriage is in my future. When we love the Lord with our whole heart, mind, and soul, our hearts need to be fully surrendered to Him and not the desire for marriage or a family. Though the desire in my heart has never really been there, sometimes what we think we need in life, we really don’t. People hurt and wound. People are unfaithful and unloving. It takes someone fully committed and surrendered to God to unconditionally love someone else the way His Son loves us. It takes a true follower of Christ to love and lead a woman and family.

I’ve met so many people in my life who have promised to love me and never abandon me. I’ve been looked  in the eyes and told they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. I’ve heard it all but shown differently. We can’t take others at their word, we can only see their actions.I don’t fault men who are happily married and are good fathers. I’ve met my share of good men and observed how they are towards their wives and children. They’re fully committed to the Lord first and put their family second. They love with all they have and are willing to go above and beyond what is necessary to ensure their wife and children are provided for because they know true provision comes from God and Him alone. It’s through an intimate relationship with their eternal Father they learn what it means to lay their life down for the Lord and follow Him and it’s in their following they learn how to lead their wife and child.

This is why I probably won’t marry. I have yet to meet any single man who is willing and able to do these things or even know how. There is always an excuse or reason. Fear of commitment, fear in general, past baggage, it’s always something. Sometimes I look at myself and wonder if there’s something wrong with me and not the man, but I can’t blame myself for others’ lack of commitment or fear. I can only face my own fears and realize a man’s lack of commitment has nothing to do with me but with what they haven’t fully surrendered to the Lord.  Either way, it’s disheartening.

Honestly, I’m writing this from a place of disappointment. I never imagined I’d still be single at 30 and without children. I never really gave marriage much thought until I had someone in my life who told me I was “The One” and they “knew.” It was then the idea of marriage became more than fantasy but probable. I believed it for almost a year. Now, I don’t know.

It’s been through this time of separation I’ve had to surrender any desire in my heart for marriage and a family.  At this point, probably for good. God never promised me marriage, He promised to give me a future and a hope. Maybe the future He’s promising me is only between Him and I and no one else.

Only He knows.

photo credit: Denise ~*~cc