You never know how much faith you’ve  placed in another person until they’re no longer a part of your life. I didn’t know how much weight I allowed another person to carry in my life until they decided to remove themselves from it.

After they left me I wanted to be braver, my own Saviorso I guarded my heart.

I thought the more of my heart I guarded, I wouldn’t risk hurting again. Love wasn’t worth the risk. Every door of opportunity that opened in those two years, closed without warning.

I blamed the other person.

I blamed myself.

I blamed God. 

It was easy to point the finger than face truth. If I was going to experience love, real love,I needed to turn back to my first love; The Lord.

I can’t explain the moment when I knew but when it happened, I knew God was the only one who could heal me. If I was going to ever heal from my past, He was going to have to be priority. From December-February, I knew the direction of my life was about to make a drastic change. I felt the shift in my heart. I felt it in the depth of my prayers. I knew God was going to hear my plea, but He wanted something from me I was unwilling to trade.

God wanted my heart completely. The part of my heart I kept guarded all those years, the part of my heart I was unwilling to risk, He wanted it.

For so many years, I held on to too much. I surrendered certain parts to God and no sooner I’d surrender, I’d take it back. It’s hard surrendering it all to God and hoping He’ll take what you give Him, every guarded part, and trust He’ll use and redeem it.

The more I read in Scripture to “Guard your heart”, I felt the conviction in my spirit so I guarded my heart more. I figured it was what God wanted of me. But my heart became too guarded and protected. Walls slowly built and stayed up for months. I couldn’t stand the feeling of rejection, shame, guilt, and heart break that surfaced during those few months. I mourned the loss of my past and every memory more than I ever thought was possible in such a small amount of time in my life. But what I was really mourning was myself. 

Guarding my heart closed me off more than I wanted. There was a resistance to get close to any one of the opposite sex without fear of rejection and abandonment. I kept others at a distance because I felt the closer someone got, they’d only end up hurting me. I couldn’t bear the hurt any more. It wasn’t worth it. 

Towards the end of February something in my life changed. I wish I could describe the moment when my life took a completely different turn, but words fail me. Something in my spirit changed. The walls around my heart have since been torn down completely. There are no walls keeping me from experiencing the abundant life God’s calling me to.

A simple act of obedience through the power of the Holy Spirit has unguarded my heart. Unguarding my heart was the best thing I could have ever allowed God to do in my life. It was surrendering my entire heart into the hands of the Lord,  I’ve experienced more joy in my life. 

Love is worth the risk when our hearts are completely surrendered to the Lord. It’s been such a long journey to this moment, but I’m grateful God never stopped pursuing me and drawing me closer to Himself. It’s in drawing closer to Him, He teaches me the meaning of love. I don’t have to guard my heart to love again. It was by releasing every guarded part of my heart to Him, He’s completely redeemed me from my past.

We don’t have to guard our hearts and try to protect what was never ours to protect.  We don’t have to guard our hearts to truly love again. We need to surrender every part of our hearts to the Lord, and leave it in His hands to redeem, restore, and heal.

We can’t fully experience God’s love with a guarded heart. It’s only with an unguarded and surrendered heart when we learn to love again.

Is guarding your heart keeping you from experiencing an abundant life?

What parts of your heart do you still need to surrender to God?


photo credit: Darwin Bellcc