“If I get married, I want to be very married.”
— Audrey Hepburn

Every girl dreams of her wedding day. From the dress to the cake, every detail of her wedding is outlined in the canvas of her mind, waiting for the day when she will walk down the aisle.  Then there’s me.  I never had those dreams as a little girl. As a matter of fact I haven’t given any thought to marriage until recently. There have been things going on in my life lately that have made me think more about marriage and if I want to get married at all.Here’s a little confession – I’m scared to get married. Just like my fear of sex, I have a fear of  getting  married.  Most would say that it’s because I have a fear of commitment and I can see how most people would draw  that conclusion, but that’s not why marriage or sex scare me. I’ve had a lot of time to sit and think about this and I can only name a few reasons why I’m afraid of marriage and most of it has to do with my own insecurities and denial.

I enjoy my freedom

I enjoy having the freedom to do what I want. For most of my life I have taken care of myself. At age 11 I was already cooking and cleaning, so I learned how to be independent at an early age. I’ve never had to rely on anyone but my own instinct and when it came time to make hard decisions in life, I followed my gut. Being single has taught me a lot about my personal boundaries and what I will not sacrifice for another person. In marriage we give up the right to be a ‘you’ and learn to be ‘two.’  I’m still trying to figure out how to be ‘me.’ Therein lies my fear of marriage. I realize that by wanting to enjoy my freedom it sounds selfish and it probably is. When we make the decision to marry someone we give up our right to be selfish and learn instead to submit selflessly.  Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll get there.

I don’t want a man to complete me.

I’m a broken person. Probably more broken than I’m willing to admit. I don’t want a man to try and complete me in the areas I’m broken. Where I am weak, I want a man  to build me up and encourage me. I want him to support me. For most of my life I have been the one building, encouraging, and supporting in my relationships. I felt like if I did those things that it would fill the holes in my life and in my heart and make them magically ‘fall in love with me.’  Two halves can’t make a whole. I want to be whole in Christ before I say ‘I do.”

I’m a bad friend.

I’m good at making friends but bad with maintaining them. Good friendships cultivate marriages that last. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read articles about people who have been married for 50+ years and said they married their best friend. When we marry our best friend we not only build a solid foundation for a healthy marriage but we open ourselves to be completely vulnerable with them. The only person I have ever been completely vulnerable with is God.  He knows every broken and vulnerable place. He knows me from the inside out. I have yet to truly expose myself in that way with another person. There are people who know me, but there is not one person who really knows me. . When I came to have a relationship with God some friendships either ended or some got placed on the back burner without intention.  Everyday I’m changing and while I know that most people support the person I am, there are some that aren’t used to this new ‘me’.  Friendship is about companionship, vulnerability, and mutual respect and it’s  a two-way street.  We get what we put into it and marriage works the same way. I want to learn how to invest more time in my friendships before I can walk down the aisle with my best friend.

If I get married, I’m only doing it once.  

I want to do marriage with a right heart that is aligned with Christ. If that is God’s plan for my life I want to spend the rest of my life with someone that God has specially designed for me without fear.

I pray I get there.

1 John 4:16-19

16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19 We love because he first loved us.

What are some fears you had before you said “I do?”

Do you still have them?