This week’s song is “Bed of Lies” by Matchbox 20. Last week I went through my old standing CD case (yes, I still have them) and popped in this CD and it made me reflective. It made me think about how much I’ve gone through and learned. Inevitably how much I still have left to learn and how tired I am from it all. I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it. And that’s the reality of my life right now.

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I am

Don’t think that I can take another empty moment
Don’t think that I can fake another hollow smile
It’s not enough just to be lonely
Don’t think that I could take another talk about it

I’m struggling right now. I toss and turn in the bed of lies I tell myself daily. “You weren’t good enough for him. That’s why he rejected you.” “You’re will never be pretty enough for him.” “She’s better than you will ever be.” “You will never be successful in life.” “No one is ever going to love you. You’re too damaged.”  These are the ‘bed of lies’ I’ve been sleeping and wallowing in.  I can’t take any more disappointment and rejection. I can’t take another empty moment and smile halfheartedly and pretend everything is okay. I have forgotten what okay feels like. It’s more than loneliness and sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. I should be stronger. I should know deep  in the deepest parts of me that God loves and accepts me for who I am. I know it but it doesn’t change the way I feel most days.  It’s a vicious cycle. One I am trying desperately to stop.

Just like me you got needs
And they’re only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we’ve tendered away

I gave very vulnerable places to a person who in the end didn’t want me. I let them take advantage of and use me. I allowed them to come in and out of my life at their leisure and trash and scatter their promises in and out of my heart. I surrendered my morals and what I knew in my heart to be true and sacrificed myself in the process. Piece by piece the deepest parts of me tendered away to their needs.  

Don’t you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave till it all went away
And we’ve only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters we’ve made

I tried being more than me and I gave everything I had. I am reminded of how much I sacrificed and surrendered to someone else. When I least expect it, the darkness of those moments surface to the fragile corners of my mind. And now through healing, I am learning the only person I need to surrender it all to is Christ.

I am all that I’ll ever be
When you – lay your hands
Over me but don’t go weak on me now
I know that it’s weak
But God help me I need this

Everything I am and will ever be is made right  when I run to to the comfort of God’s arms. When He lays His hands over me I’m safe. In my weakness I am set free.

I will not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there’ll be no rest for these tired eyes
I’m marking it down to learning
I’m marking it down to learning
‘Cause I am

When your heart and mind have reacted the same way to hurt for most of your life, it’s hard coming down from that. Over time I have found comfort in my bed of lies. But I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to toss myself out and turn into the person I know in my heart I can be. There will be days where the struggle will get the best of me. I’ll fallI’ll fail. But the struggle has been worth it. I wouldn’t change it. I’ll mark them down as another learning experience and find strength to move on.

‘Cause I am.