This week’s song is “Never Let Me Go” by Florence + The Machine. Why I didn’t post this song sooner I don’t know. I’ve had this song on repeat for the past few months, but sometimes a song speaks to you in a moment, pulling you into the depth of their words, reminding you you’re still alive. It says everything you can’t or want to because sometimes it’s better to sit in the silence of the moment and let the words speak for themselves.

Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under

When I think about my life for the past year, everything around me has changed. My inner circle has pretty much been depleted with new people that God has so graciously placed in my life. I’m growing and I’ve learned a lot. Looking back on how far I’ve come and what I had to go through to get here – Wow, what a ride. So, how can I possibly sit here and feel defeated or discouraged when I should feel incredibly blessed. Because despite how far I’ve come everything still feels the same.  The problem is me and I haven’t really changed.

And it’s peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray no need to speak
Now I am under all

And it’s breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go

Sometimes I feel so deep in the messes that I’ve made that it feels peaceful there. A crippling comfort of fear.  What I feel right now is almost like spiritual suicide. It’s knowing inside my heart that I’m saved, I’m loved, and yet I still feel ‘dead’. Something is missing. So, I keep swimming towards my purpose, further in the deep, only drowning in my own mess and fear.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Though the pressure’s hard to take
It’s the only way I can escape
It seems a heavy choice to make
And now I am under all

The deeper I swim, everything that holds me back is rushed out of me and to the surface. I’m a sinner. I’m resentful. I’m bitter. I’m hurt. I haven’t fully forgiven like I should and the list goes on and on. The deeper I swim in my own sin, the more comfortable I feel. Thankfully, God is there and He’s reminds me daily that no matter how far I’ve strayed, He’s there. As I’m going under the pressure of my sin, He’s there ready to rescue and deliver me.  My only escape and release is in His arms. A choice between the wrath of sin and God’s arms wrapped tightly around me protecting me, isn’t a hard choice – but most of the time, sin wins.

In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
But the arms of the ocean delivered me
Never let me go

The guilt of sin weigh on me heavily but as I feel God’s arms wrapped around me, the sinner in me is released. His arms deliver me from the guilt and shame the remnants of  sin leave in my heart. My flesh fails daily and God is there delivering me every time.

And I pray He never lets me go.