This week’s song is “Day Old Hate” by City and Colour. Dallas Green is probably one of the most talented acoustic artists in our time and probably the most underrated. I first heard City and Colour in 2006 and every song on the album “Sometimes” has resonated with me. A year ago I was going through a really difficult time emotionally and this song carried me through those moments, even in tears.
Now blank stares and empty threats
Are all I have, they’re all I have.
Our words have the power to build up or tear others down. Last year my words failed me and uncertainty hovered over my life like a big dark cloud. Empty threats out of anger and words spoken in regret were all I had embedded in memory as I tried moving forward with my life. Every night this song blared across the speakers in tandem with my regret, reminding me that I messed up and life as I knew it would be changed forever.
So drown me and if you can
Or we could just have conversation.
And I fall, I fall, I falter
But I’ll find you before I drift away
Every night I had a conversation with God in prayer. I wanted Him to fix what was broken and I wanted Him to free me from my guilt. There were some nights when I cried, screamed, and felt the weight of my regret in the vulnerable places in my heart. I fell, I faltered, and God was there waiting with open arms, saving me from myself.
Now you still speak of day old hate
Though your whole world has gone up into flames
And isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing
And how safe it is to feel safe.
Everything I knew and loved were gone, a year of my life faded into a memory. There were days I hated the feeling of waking up to face another day knowing that the person I wanted most for comfort chose to leave instead. The life I knew had gone up in flames. Everything changed and things were different. It hurt to breathe and it hurt to think. I felt worthless, like I was nothing. Disregarded. Trashed. And all that remained were ashes of a life that used to be. In my darkest moments when I didn’t know where to turn, I turned to God. It was there that I felt comforted and protected. It was there I felt safe.
The things we do just to stay alive
The things we do just to keep ourselves alive.
I learned a lot in those three months and being in the same place a year later, my perspective has changed. I can’t change my past, but I can grow and learn from what it taught me. I am not angry, bitter, or hurt over things I can’t control. I made a lot of poor decisions before giving my life to Christ and I paid for them. But what I am going through now is not my fault. We can’t change the cards in life we’re dealt, but we can deal with them without anger and harboring bitterness. For me to be fully alive, I needed to let go. While there are still areas in my life that need improvement, one thing remains — my faith.
Faith is the source by which I live, it‘s what keeps me alive.